TUDAWR5

TUDAWR

Play.

Characters: me, her, the universe

Setting: office

Her stomach was excessively active. I could hear it from my desk. It was moving and shaking and gurgghghghgling and fighting and churning to keep the filth and gases inside. I really enjoyed it when it was just the two of us.

Tap tap tap tap, said my mouse.

Gguru ghl grop puhds shjj, said her stomach.

Tap tiri tap tap TAP, chimed in my "Enter".

TIiiiii tuuuuurrrghhhhh tiiiiii tuuuuu pppprrrrr, interrupted the modem coughing.

What mode is mode "M" anyway?

Whales were singing, empty drum-barrels rolling, trumpets were trumping. Uuuuuuuhh whheeee it's gonna be a good one!

She shifted uncomfortable in her seat. One side. Then the other. And then again back to One side.

Juan said what?

She could've gone to the outhouse but she chose to brave the storm.

Lightning! (2:17) ....from a poooor familyyyy

Her eye lids opened up wider. Juan of her eyebrows goes up and the other John stays down. Her shoulder pads elevate slightly. She clenches her fists, her knuckles go white!

One, two, three, four.

How long before I smell the thunder? Thyme equals this stance over speed

300,000km/s

Crrraaaack and Buuuummmm!! Let it rip. Torn and Hamilton.

She didn't even look back, she just sat there staring down at her lightning knuckles.

Self high-five it is then.

Slap.

Naturally, I took off my shoes and shirt. I was extra careful not to wrinkle my pants and bow tie.

TUDAWR 4

TUDAWR

Play.

Characters: Me, her, the Universe

Setting: Underground DC

That piece of skin was back on my three-finger.

I'd had eggs with salmon for breakfast but toothpaste in the morning gives me a stomach ache. Stomach aig. Stomach egg, what a visual! I never brush in the mornings.

Stoma means mouth in Greek. Ch.

I thought I'd eaten it off yesterday, but it was back right where cuticle sinks into nail entrails. Snail entrails trails in my nails.

I'm gnawing at my three-finger with numbers two and four half way in my mouth. I'm using my incisor teeth because I want to cut off skin and incisor rhymes with scissor, if you are toneless. I am.

If you were to say "you'all bowl and scowl", you would really confuse me, because bowling is fun. Bowel syndrome.

"Shiiitake mushroom!" I said, just in time to catch my feet and not keel over and fall on top of her. I had been leaning over her shoulder so I could read the newspaper she was holding.

The skin on my finger still refused to become incised.

She turned around and looked back at me over her shoulder, and without really knowing why, she thought of a farm and of the ocean. She'd never been to either.

She was found in thought staring directly at my chest.

The farm with oceanfront disappeared from her mind and her eyes looked up at me as I continued to incise my three.

She jumped back and made a Shitake Mushroom face. I laughed with half my hand in my stoma. Laughing snapped that piece of skin off.

Elephant incisors are tusks.

"Dentes incisivi!", I said happy that my three was back to perfect.

Huh?

I took my hand out of my mouth still laughing. " I said, I incised" I explained to her, she didn't know latin. Weird. Linguamne Latinam loquitur?

The train doors opened. I yanked my newspaper off her hands and got out.

The Universe remains.

TUDAWR3

Play.

Characters: Me, her, a cat, the Universe

Setting: Catamaran deck

I do what I do, I teethed happily at the cat.

I can't do what I can't do, barked back the cat at her.

Wheeeere arrr weeee goooing?? She goo-huispered loudly from atop the mast. My face got wet. It wasn't raining.

Kat-man-do, I told her ennunciating each syllable whimsically.

Katmando.

C.

She carefully climbed down the mast and I realized I had never seen her as radiant as she was today. That shouldn't have surprised me, I had never seen her before.

Wow.

Wow! barked the cat.

She sat very close to me.

"The wind blew away me wig", she said to me.

"Whistle me wig back, won't you pleeease?"

I could feel the rolls of naked under her gown rubbing against my side. She was talking a lot about her wig, and other replacement wigs she had lost to the winds in the past. All very interesting things she assured me.

Oh me wig this, oh me wig that. Was there no end to her wigging whinning?

"Does a hoarse horse whinnie whiningly whence winning a race, with wine?" She said not looking at me but ever so enthusiastically in an incredibly annoying voice that made her wrinkled acne-scarred horse face wilt.

Did I tell you she was a spitter?

She was so close to me, I couldn't take it anymore, my heart hurt. She kept talking unaware of my escalating condition.

So I took her hand in mine and held it against my face. I rubbed her fat wet hand up and down against my cheek with all my strength.

She kept talking.

The cat jumped overboard crashlanding on the dock.

TUDAWR 2

TUDAWR

Play.

Characters: Me, Her, the Universe.

Setting: underground metro station in Virginia.

I spit into a ditch between the wall and a railing I'm leaning on. I'm wearing a suit and tie and workingboots, like the ones workers use at construction sites. Cranes are cool. I'm also wearing a nasty cold and snot invades my larynx, esophagus, nasal cavity and nasal orifices.

Orificii.

She sees me spit and says with a tone that reminds me of chalk dissolving in dychloric acid: "don't spit on the walls, don't you have no manners?..."

She is about to chalk something else but I politely interrupt:...Double negative. Give me your shoes!

What?

Geive maaeyy yaauw shuuuuus; I say again with a smile and the best worst southern drawl I can fashion. I extend the "u" in "shuuuus" like a howling monkey would to attract a female howling she-monkey or if another howling monkey was trying to steal his mango.

Note to audience: howling monkeys like mangoes just as much as they like she-monkeys.

I made that up.

Where does man go?

Confusion and fear is an interesting look. Panic is creeping in.

She walks away in short fast steps like a skipping bunny rabbit afraid her chocolate eggs are melting.

The Universe remains.